By Red0049 • posted in Episodes on Wednesday, March 31st, 2010
16 Comments
Today we’re going to focus on conversation skills and specifically the best ways of starting a conversation in a bar or club where you’re surrounded by new people.
Today i want to share with you a little recording I did back on St. Patrick’s Day. I (predictably) ended up in a bar and decided that it would was the perfect opportunity to try out some of the techniques I like to teach! This includes conversation skills (as well as giving me the excuse to have a few beers!) and starting a conversation with random people.
One of the great things about the particular bar that we chose was that because of St. Patricks day (and being an Irish bar) everyone was there for the same reason. This is the kind of information that you can immediately use to your in order to connect with people.
No matter where you are, there is always a reason you’re there. Even if you’re just lost, the reason you’re where you are is because you were trying to find out where you were. Knowing someone’s motivation or reason for doing something allows you you to immediately talk about something.
I’m sure you’ll know how well people connect when they share something in common. So throughout the video what you’ll see me do is use the fact that it was St. Patricks day as a way of starting a conversation with people.
- Conversational Skills In A Bar
- Peaking Someone’s Curiosity
- The Best Topic In The World Is…
How To Put Your Conversational Skills To Good Use In A Bar
For most people, the idea of starting a conversation in this type of environment is a nightmare; you’re surrounded by a load of people you don’t know, and you’re just longing to find a way to connect with them.
Remember what I said earlier, everyone is where they are for a reason, and you can use that fact as a way of chatting to random people. Going back to one of the big themes in episode two, you’ve got to be positive in order to really engage people. You’ll find that people generally reciprocate the attitude that you convey to them, so being positive nearly always results in people being warm and positive in their reply to you.
Peaking Someone’s Curiosity
Similarly to grabbing someone’s attention, peaking curiosity is a way of adding suspense and gravitas to what you have to say. The way I do this in the first clip of the video is simply by saying, “hey… you know what?” Any open-ended question like this is perfect for then leading into what you have to say next.
It’s also important to note that even just having a 10-20 second conversation with someone at a bar makes it much easier to then go over and speak to them later again that night.
The Best Topic In The World Is… The Other Person
Something you will start to notice about nearly all my interactions in these videos is that I quickly turn the conversation to the other person. There is nothing anyone likes doing more than freely talking about themselves.
Another philosophy of mine is that I will always try and leave every person I meet better off than when I found them. This links in with some of the things I talked about in the first video and you really feel amazing for doing this.
So the main things to take away from this video are just to give off a really happy, positive vibe in every conversation, and to remember to use the reasons of why you’re both where you are to easily initiate a conversation.
Hope you enjoyed the video!
I’ll be back soon with more tips and techniques for conversation skills, and in the meantime if you’ve got any questions you’d like to ask, or stories you’d like to share, you can get in touch with me at marcus@yourcharismacoach.com
Until next time,
Marcus
By Red0049 • posted in Episodes on Saturday, March 20th, 2010
20 Comments
Welcome to the second episode of yourcharismacoach.com! This week we’re in Covent Garden and I’m going to be showing you the best way to start a conversation on the street with a stranger! I personally feel that a lot of people stop themselves from talking to strangers and making conversations because they think they’re going to mess up. But really these are the best opportunities we have for improving our social skills and developing our charisma.
My aim in this video is simply to show you how to approach people and not mess things up! So without further a do…
- Mindset
- Smiling
- Pace
- Thinking Positively
- Getting Someone’s Attention
- Playfully Persevering
First of all… before we get onto the best way to start a conversation on the street, I just want to cover a bit about the right mindset to have going into this. My mindset is that I always want a positive outcome from any interaction I have. When a lot of people start talking amongst one another, they don’t really attach themselves to this kind of outcome, and as a result they come out with something that’s a bit irrelevant or indifferent; something that has no emotion attached to it. In order to fire up emotion in other people, you need to be the one who emotes (and asking where the nearest loo is, just doesn’t do the trick!).
If you want somebody to feel an emotion, you must first feel that emotion yourself. So have a positive outcome already in your mind, as if you’re already certain that isn’t going to go really well. Getting great reactions really is as simple as being positive.
Here are the first three things that you can really focus on when approaching people and making conversations.
a) Smiling 
I can’t emphasize how important it is that you smile when talking to new people. You have to remember that when you’re approaching people (especially in the street!) no one has any idea who you are, and in order for them to feel comfortable in conversation with you, the first thing that they need to assure themselves of is that you‚Äôre not a threat to them. To demonstrate this right off the bat, all you really need to do is put on a big, toothy smile.
‘Grinning is for wimps! Bust out a full on smile and commit to being happy.’ – JMC III
Don’t let this smile slip as soon as you’re in conversation with someone. You should be smiling throughout the entirety of an interaction. Don’t worry if it feels slightly unnatural or uncomfortable at first; it always does for anyone trying it. Smiling is something that I had to adjust to myself, and it took a while for me to fully get to grips with it. But just to reiterate the importance of smiling why not approach 20 people, 10 whilst smiling, and 10 with a straight face and just see the difference for yourself! 
b) Talk Slowly
The next thing to make a note of the pace at which you communicate. Using this video to model might not be the best idea for this particular point (I’m such a hypocrite!). But when talking to new people trying to make conversation. A lot of people get anxious in anticipation of silences but I promise you that silence is your friend and shouldn’t be something that you ever fear.
c) Always Think Win/Win
In my head, when I go and talk to somebody, I’ve got two different ‘filing boxes’ that I put experiences and memories in. I think most people have these kind of mental cabinets, and in my opinion you actually get to label these cabinets for yourself. The way that I’ve chosen to do label mine is that I’ve labelled one cabinet, “This went really well!” which is full of really fun, successful interactions and conversations. And for the second cabinet, I’ve chosen to label it, “This is really funny!”
For the second box, most people typically leave it on their default of, “This went really badly”. But by having this, you’re still leaving yourself open to getting a ton of negative feedback. What I’ve found is that the most charismatic people never have anything bad happen to them, because they choose to reframe it as something that was just a bit of a laugh. So my advice to you would be to change the label on your second ‘mental cabinet’ to, ‘This is really funny!’ See the thing is, you only have two cabinets, so that means that by doing this, any interaction you have from now on can only ever go really well, or be really funny! In my mind there is no longer a cabinet for, “That sucked” so I just end up with plenty of funny stories to share.
Now we’re going to look at what you actually have to say…
d) Getting Their Attention
The first thing to keep in mind is that you want to get someone’s attention before you launch into a conversation. Too many people will try making conversation with someone before that person’s even listening. By getting someone’s attention before you start talking, you don’tt leave yourself susceptible to being in that awkward position where you’ve said something and they haven’t heard you.
Getting someone’s attention can be as simple as saying something along the lines of, “Excuse me”, or “Hey” followed by a pause until you have in some way been acknowledged.
e) Pacing Their Reality
The next thing I will do is pace their reality. Basically what I mean by this is that you empathize with someone and say you you both see. If your going over to approach somebody and it’s really random, acknowledge that it’s really random! Doing this just demonstrates a kind of social intelligence that you appreciate that what you’re doing is completely random, and doing this puts their mind at ease.
If somebody looks as if they’re in a mad rush to get somewhere, telling them that you appreciate that they are in a rush makes it more likely that they will stop and talk to you as they know that you’re not going to keep them there for too long.
f) Playfully Persevering
Your next goal should be to push through the next twenty to thirty seconds, which can often be the hardest part when approaching people and talking to strangers (especially if they’re British apparently!). This is just because there is still that thought in their back of their heads that they are interacting with someone completely random. For this short time period you don’t want to be too worried about their reaction, but the way you get past it is just by pushing your enthusiasm onto them.
So hopefully now from watching this video you’ve got a better understanding of the best way to start a conversation on the street and what I’d love for all of you to do is go out and try this stuff for yourself.
Have a great time and let me know how you get on
I’ll see you next time!
Marcus
By Red0049 • posted in Episodes on Monday, March 8th, 2010
15 Comments
Hello and welcome to the very first episode of yourcharmisacoach.com! My name’s Marcus (your host!) and I just wanted to say thanks for checking out the site.
Today we’re going to lay the foundations to your new charismatic self by tackling the fundamental idea of what charisma is, as well as breaking down exactly what you need to do to get it!
So without further a do…
- Attitude
- Spontaeity
- Charm
- Connection
Charisma is often thought of as a compelling attractiveness or charm that certain people seem to possess, causing them to have this kind of magnetism that we can’t quite describe. Until now, no one has ever really broken it down for us or given us a roadmap for becoming more charismatic ourselves. But guess what – you’re in luck because I’ve spent the last ten years of my life doing just that!
And what I’ve found is that in order for you to develop charisma, there are four key components that you need to exemplify…
1. Attitude
By attitude what I really mean is just generally being a really nice, warm person who is always willing to do nice things for other people. Just knowing that I have the power to go up to anyone and really make their day, just gives me a really warm feeling that I cherish.
2. Spontaneity
A shared characteristic among charismatic people is that they are all spontaneous; they seize any opportunity in front of them and they tend to be extroverted. This is something that was a real challenge to me, as growing up I always veered towards being more introverted rather than making an effort to be the life and soul of the party. Being spontaneous is all about taking risks and exploring your personality. As such, spontaneity is going to be a big focus of the site as it really is one of the cornerstones needed to develop charisma.
3. Charm
Being charming is a lot easier than you might think. In my opinion it’s all about forgiving people that might have messed something up, whilst also rewarding them with sincere, warmhearted compliments. Similarly to having a great attitude, being charming is genuinely rewarding, as again it really just makes the days of those around you.
4. Connection
Connecting with people is all about building a bond and rapport with them. Again, this is just putting in that little extra effort in conversation which 99% of people don’t do, and what you’ll find is that by going that extra inch, people really open up out of their shell and communicate with you on a whole other level.
So there you have it, the four fundamental components needed to develop charisma (NB. There is at least 1 more…but i’ll save that for another time..!) I hope you enjoyed this brief introduction, and that you’ve got a taste of what lies ahead! I really want everyone who comes to this blog to see the real, live results, and so I’ve decided that in order to do so, all of these videos are going to be 100% authentic, natural and filmed in one take (hopefully!)
If you’ve got any questions at all about what we covered in the video (or if you just want a chat!), please feel free to contact me using the form on my website, I’d love to hear from you.
I look forward to seeing you on episode two where we’ll take the next step of our journey towards developing charisma
Marcus
