January 14th, 2013
When most people start trying to improve their conversation skills there is a lot of information out there to take on board. As you cram your brain with all the ways to become a master conversationalist there is often one HUGE thing that is forgotten……to LISTEN!
Listening is a CRUCIAL skill if you want to really master your conversation skills. It helps set you apart from the majority of conversationalists out there as someone who truly cares what the other person is saying. Have a think about how you feel whilst talking to someone who’s clearly not taking in a word your saying and then compare this to the feeling of when you know your words and opinions are truly being valued. The latter is where you’re made to feel IMPORTANT and this is the point where CONNECTION can occur.
This episode thus focuses on how to practice the skill of ACTIVE listening.
Paraphrase Like A Parrot
First you must use your ears! Become aware of what the other person is saying. Do this by absorbing every word, shutting off your inner dialogue. Next, remember what the other person has said and simply paraphrase or repeat back what the other person has said.
After summarising what the other person has said, experiment with adding a personal statement followed by a question. This will allow you to take the conversation to new heights as you introduce new conversational threads to make the interaction more engaging. Adding a personal statement will make it easier for the other person to respond to the question that follows.
Active Listening Formula
Repetition + Personal Statement + Question
Listen Your Way To Connection And Fluency
Active listening allows the other person to express themselves. This is very effective in building RAPPORT as the other persons feels you’re interested in what they have to say. Listening intently to someone also makes them feel more comfortable and at ease in the interaction.
Listening properly will also ensure that you don’t switch off during the conversation. Often when talking to people you may find that your attention is diverted. Through active listening you will naturally be aware of what is being said and help you not to forget or miss anything in the interaction that may be crucial in keeping the conversation going!
I, Robot?
During the interaction, you do not have to become a robot and repeat everything the other person says. Try sprinkling in some repetition here and there. You may choose to repeat only certain parts of what the other person has said and this is fine. While it may seem a little robotic at first, with practice you will begin to internalise the skill of active listening, before it becomes a natural part of your conversation skills.
On that note, just this once try LISTENING to me and get yourself into some conversations where you can start putting this nifty rapport building technique into practice!
Thanks for the video, Marcus; killer practical advice as usual. I look forward to peppering this technique into my conversations…
This is awesome!!!
A killer. A must for my friends and readers to listen to…
p.s I still remembered vividly when I repeat some sentence from an ex in a conversation, and she looked at me saying, ‘You. Why are you not listening to me? Why must you repeat what i said?!!’
I look at her. ‘Then how come I can repeat what you said if Im not listening?’
She kept quiet.
Weird funny girl.
Seems like the notes have been coming soon for a long time, marcus :p
Regardless, this is great. This has given me the leverage to be a great listener too because it forces me to actively listen and imagine what they are saying.
There’s a technique from Clean Language (it’s a coaching and therapy technique that grew out of NLP and Hypnosis) that can really help you develop your listening skills.
Step 1:
Ask yourself this question:
When I’m listening at my best, that’s like what?
Write down and explore your answer to that question.
Step 2:
Find a partner, friend, family member, random stranger…. and get the to talk. The rule is they talk about whatever they want to talk about for 5 minutes. And you say nothing. You don’t speak. No opinions, no advice, no “ooh….me too….this one time I met Elvis and…..” They speak. You listen.
Then you repeat with you talking and them listening to you for 5 minutes. That then gives you the experience of what it feels like to be listened to.