“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for,” muttered Obi-Wan Kenobi, using a Jedi mind trick in Star Wars, “Move along” came the reply from the befuddled Storm Trooper. And with the wave of an Imperial hand, the legend of covert mind control was firmly cemented on screen forever more.

Is this level of influence truly obtainable? There certainly is scope.

And some people seem to be born supernaturally smooth talkers: whether you want to talk your way out of a speeding ticket, or talk your way into a somebody’s heart, making your speech more persuasive is an essential skill to learn. One effective way to garner the gift of the gab is to learn language patterns. These are stock phrases and retorts that can give you lightning fast retorts and the upper hand in a conversation.

The concept comes from NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), an offshoot of of hypnosis, whereby excellence can be studied and modelled for personal use. The original source of modern language patterns was obtained in the 1970s from legendary hypnotherapist Milton Erickson, who used his own patterns to ensure that his clients followed his suggestions. Since then, new patterns have been studied and developed by various NLP practitioners.

Using short language patterns in your speech is an advanced technique that requires a little practice to master. The best way is to take one of the lines that you’ll learn in this video and use it in everyday conversation, to the point where it becomes natural. Be careful though: deliberately forcing a language pattern into a conversation too many times can make you sound robotic, so practice one pattern at a time, little and often, until becomes part of your spoken repertoire.

More Persuasive than a Jedi Knight: Introducing Rintu Basu

At a recent training event in London, I had the satisfaction of working alongside Master NLP Practitioner, best-selling author and conversational expert, Rintu Basu.

Based in Glasgow, Rintu has spent years developing the persuasion skills he teaches. Consequently, he is an in-demand corporate speaker and leading authority on NLP and Hypnosis in the UK; you only have to listen to Rintu speak to hear how smoothly he stacks numerous patterns together.

In this interview, Rintu kindly agreed to share several powerful techniques that you can put to immediate use right away. You’ll notice how we have fun repeating the patterns that he teaches many times: this is a great way to learn and something that can be explored with a training partner before you hit up the rest of the world.

Interview Transcript: How to Be a Smooth Talker

Below is a transcript of a short interview we filmed on the topic of using language patterns to become more persuasive:

Marcus: It gives me great pleasure today to welcome Rintu Basu, a best-selling author on the topic of persuasion and influence. Today, he’s going to share some great insights and tips to help you become more influential with the people you meet. So Rintu, how did you get started with all this?

Rintu: Persuasion skills, specifically?

Marcus: Yes.

Rintu: I’m an NLP guy.

Marcus: Okay.

Rintu: And if you know NLP, there’s a lot of people who do stuff in that field.

Marcus: That’s ‘neuro-linguistic programming’?

Rintu: Yes.

Marcus: Okay.

Rintu: It doesn’t really matter what it is [called] because it’s just the thing that I’m into.

Marcus: Okay.

Rintu: And there’s lots of people who do it. And what I wanted to do was focus on that field and just focus on something within it that I could be really, really good at.

Marcus: Okay.

Rintu: For me, persuasion was a natural thing. There’s lots [of information out there] about language patterns. For example, do you recognise the fact that language is just a filter? Sorry…

Marcus: That sentence was a language pattern wasn’t it?!

Rintu: Yes, it was!

Marcus: Okay.

Rintu: So if you think about it this way, whenever you say anything, or whenever I say anything, you have to make pictures in your head about what it is that I’m saying for it to make sense.

Marcus: Yes, that makes sense.

Rintu: Which then basically means I can force anything that I want on you [by putting a picture in your mind], just by talking about it. Are you with me?

Marcus: Yes.

Rintu: So this whole language thing is just a filter.

Marcus: Okay.

Rintu: And let me just direct your attention wherever I wanted to go, which is fabulous. And when I heard that, I said, “Oh, that’s brilliant”. That’s the [key learning] I got from NLP and that’s what I got very, very good at in terms of language. So I thought, well, if I need a niche to study then that’s a good one to look at.

Marcus: Okay. For you, what was your – how did you know when you were starting to really sort of get the skill and develop it? Were there any sort of ‘way points’ [or moments] where you thought: “Right! I’m a bit more persuasive than I used to be!”?

Rintu: [Laughs] Yeah! So here’s what actually happened to me. I was working as a teacher and I started getting into this NLP  stuff and I thought to myself: I’ve got 16 little minds in the room every day of the week that are just waiting to have their heads full of all sorts of interesting and exciting stuff. Why don’t I take five language patterns and write them out every evening so that the next day, I’m going to go in and, come hell or high water, I’m going to spout this stuff out and [get to practice my skills].

Marcus: Right. So let’s be clear there. A language pattern is a sentence that-

Rintu: [Cuts in] it forces you to look in a completely new direction. So for example, the pattern we were playing about with this weekend just gone was ‘the issue isn’t X, the issue is Y’. So the issue that we’re talking about it’s actually focusing on the pattern.

Marcus: Right.

Rintu: So it doesn’t matter what you say. I can move this conversation to where I want it to go.

Marcus: And you’re about to do that right now. Oh, god I better resist you [trying to redirect the conversation]!

Rintu: The interesting thing about resisting, it’s about continuing the conversation …

Marcus: Okay. So the issue isn’t about the conversation. It’s about where it’s going. So you’re saying that if we use [the language pattern] ‘the issue isn’t X, the issue is Y’, we can redirect any conversation.

Rintu: Yes. Let me be more blatant. The issue is not what you’re talking about, it’s actually about what I want to talk about; which is actually moving this discussion into what I was doing with my bunch of students. Now here’s what I was doing with this bunch of students: they would come up with a question on the topic that we were talking about and I would say: “that’s such a great question! But you know, the issue isn’t that question. It’s really about what I can give you as a definite answer to it!” And then what I would say is – well, whatever it was I actually wanted to say [to answer their question with]!

Marcus: [Turns to camera] So, we both met at a seminar and Rintu passed on this great tip to win any argument, which was in two steps:

1.) Find agreement with somebody.

2.) Use the language pattern: “the issue isn’t X, the issue is Y”.

Rintu: Yes.

Marcus: Now, I understand you also worked in the police for a while. Was that technique something that you used in that sort of situation?

Rintu: Absolutely. I mean this is what my desired outcome was originally: ‘how do I convince someone to put on a pair of handcuffs, climb into the back of the police van and then write me a testimonial about what a great experience that was.

Marcus: Yes. That would be pretty impressive.

Rintu: So that was what I was looking to do with hypnotic language patterns and all the rest of it and they’re always doing that. And you have to take this approach in perspective; it doesn’t work consistently all the time.

Marcus: Okay.

Rintu: But what I would say to anyone is that if it works, one or two times more in your normal life would that make a difference? So, say for me as a police officer, if I was just to make one or two more arrests or stop one or two more crimes than any other police officer, would it make a big difference? And it certainly did.

Marcus: Hey! That was a language pattern you used just then!

Rintu: It certainly was! You’re getting it now!

Marcus: You cheeky rascal! Now, we saw another presenter this week called James Tripp. His version of your language pattern was “On one level, it’s X, on another level, it’s Y” so it might be another way of using the same pattern with different wording?

Rintu: Yes and the great thing about that is that I completely agree with him… and the issue isn’t the words that you use. It’s actually about what makes it most comfortable for you. So you can say ‘the issue isn’t this, the issue is that…or you could phrase it as: ‘on one level its this, on the other level it’s that’.

Marcus: [Turns to Camera] Rintu Basu is a nightmare to interview! But the issue isn’t that you’re a nightmare; on another level, you’re fantastic! So is there a technique that people watching can take out and try? Because you’ve got so much to share on influence and persuasion.

Rintu: Sure. In the next two to three minutes, here’s something you can use. You need to – well actually, when I say use, go ahead and practice and have fun with this. Let me tell you where it comes from first. It’s called an awareness pattern. In sales, salespeople call this a, ‘Yes Set‘. So, what it’s about is trying to get you to say ‘yes’ several times to things that you have to say yes to; and then when they do, I’ll slip in a question that they’ll say yes to.

Marcus: Hey you’re doing it now!

Rintu: I know! And then at the bottom of that [technique], you ask the one question that you’re not sure if they’re going to say yes to. But if they’ve said yes all the way down [to your questions], the chances are they’ll also say yes to the last one [as well].

Marcus: Okay. I’m liking this.

Rintu: Yes. So in a sales environment it would work along the lines of: “Okay, we’ve talked about the product. Yes, you’ve got the benefits [Yes] and that means you are ready to buy [Yes!]. So you’ve got two yes’s and then you go “buy it now!” and they say yes. And that’s kind of how [the technique] works for sales. A hypnotist does the same thing. They call it an awareness pattern. What hypnotists do is this. If they want to take you into trance they will say [points to chair]: “So you’re sat in this chair?”

Marcus: Yes.

Rintu: That’s verifiable.

Marcus: Oh yes.

Rintu: And you listen to the sound of my voice?

Marcus: Yes

Rintu: And that means you are ready to go into trance.

Marcus: Oh, Okay.

Rintu: So it’s just leading people to where you want them to go.

Marcus: Right.

Rintu: So I mean I’m quite happy doing this in conversations and it would be the same sort of thing. [For example] so we’re sat here talking and having fun and that means that you’re ready to take out your wallet and pay me loads of money.

Marcus: Okay. So that’s quite a big leap for me to suddenly take out my wallet and then pay you lots of money! [Turns to camera] This isn’t a free interview; I’ve had to pay Rintu to be here! So on one level, that’s quite good that….

Rintu: Hey! I’m just kidding!

Marcus: So would it be valuable then in [just getting them to] say a little yes, another little yes and then maybe a ‘small yes’ that they probably otherwise wouldn’t have said ‘yes,’ to?

Rintu: Yes. Okay. So the trick with this is you take small steps.

Marcus: Sure.

Rintu: So what I would rather do is let’s say the intention eventually is to get you to buy a course.

Marcus: Okay.

Rintu: So what I might start with doing is say something like: ‘Okay, we’re sat here chatting and that means you are ready to tell me about what kind of issues you have in your life.

Marcus: Yes.

Rintu: Okay. So now we’re talking about whatever issues you have in your life and that means that you’re comfortable in my company which then means that you are actually willing to work on how you might want to change things.

Marcus: Right, and there’s the bit [of your patter] where I’m receptive to that?

Rintu: Yeah, so now that you’re being receptive to change; and now that we’re talking about being receptive to change; that’s a great thing for us to be talking about. [Breaks conversation] And what you’re looking for here is a nodding head.

Marcus: Yes.

Rintu: What that means is that you’re ready to start talking about a coaching scenario.

Marcus: Yes.

Rintu: Can you see what I’m doing? I’m just taking little steps [to get you to respond in the affirmative].

Marcus: [Laughs] how do I answer that? [How can I answer the question?] ‘Can I see what you’re doing?’ without actually answering in the affirmative! And there’s a question very quickly. Do people have to say yes or can they just ‘feel’ yes?

Rintu: They just need to feel it.

Marcus: They need to feel it. So they can nod. They could be like in a quiet state of agreement.

Rintu: Right. Here’s the thing that I really want you to get with this. Okay? You will generally use lots of different things to get people to move, alright?

Marcus: Yes.

Rintu: So it’s not just about reapplying the same pattern but here’s the deal with this. When you get to do this naturally, you can see amazing shifts in people and the way [that you] get to do this naturally is just to practice doing it in a normal conversation because it gets to be fun. All you have to do is sit there and you probably want to go out there and do this deliberately with people is you just sit in a conversation and go in your own head: ‘I’m only allowed to say what I want to say after I’ve given them two truisms’. So if I would be to start with you, it would be, Okay, so we’re sat here…

Marcus: True!

Rintu: …We’re having a conversation…

Marcus:  True!

Rintu: …And what would you like to talk about next?

Marcus: Oh, Okay…erm… Monkeys!

Rintu: Monkeys. Cool. So, you just said the word “monkeys” (true), and we’re here on camera talking about monkeys (true). So can you give me another subject you’d like to talk about?

Marcus: Haa I always pick the monkeys! But Rintu, we’re out of time now, I’m afraid. How can people find out more about you?

Rintu: Easy. Its www.theNLPcompany.com

Marcus: I recommend you sign up to his newsletter. It’s full of liquid gold. Well it would be, if newsletters were actually liquid. They’re not. But… it is full of gold! I’ve learned a lot from you, Rintu. It has been an eye-opening experience. I also recommend that you go back and re-watch this interview several times. This guy is a master of language and he’s got lots of language patterns [that he's used] in the interview.

Rintu: Final thought. If you sign up on my website for my newsletter you’ll get a 20-page report with a bunch full of language patterns in it. Go and read that and then go and listen to this interview again (as there was a lot going on!).

Marcus: Perfect. Rintu Basu…high five!

Final Thoughts

Few people have a full grasp of persuasive language. However, most people have a few key phrases up their sleeves that they unwittingly use to influence those around them; whether that’s a shopper winning a discount on a new dress, or a kid charming his parent to stay up late… they probably don’t realise on a conscious level what they’re doing beyond their intention to prosper.

Potentially powerful language patterns like these are (probably) being used in conversations around you on a daily basis. Listen out for them: moments whenever somebody says something that persuades you, or a colleague, are gold dust.  The chances are that the influencer’s phrasing can be taken and adapted for your own use!

Here are two big secrets to striking up conversations with strangers.

The first is having a genuine reason to talk to them. After all, if you haven’t got a reason to stop and talk to somebody then its going to make the whole exchange rather awkward! This applies to any social environment you find yourself in, such as a bar, a library or even the street, as demonstrated in this video.

The second secret is being aware of how emotionally expressive you are when you speak. People are very good at picking up the emotional context of your words over their logical meaning. For example, you can greet somebody in a cheerful way with the seemingly negative phrase: “you look tired” -and they will respond positively based on the emotional energy in your delivery, rather than the actual content of your sentence.

A few days before Christmas 2011, I decided to try a fun experiment on the streets of Central London to find out how powerful these two simple elements are in relation to your ability to influence. The goal was simply to see how easily I could hand chocolates to passers-by on the street.

To make things interesting, I changed one small element in my approach each time:

Experiment 1:

“Take a chocolate”

First up, I provided absolutely no reason why I was handing out the chocolate. As I approached them I added no positive emotion behind my words, simply stating: “take a chocolate”. Sounding like a Soviet pision guard, I was unsurprised when almost everybody refused to comply with my festive wishes. From their perspective, I had no logical reason to be handing out chocolate to them in the first place (despite the telltale Santa hat!).

Experiment 2:

“Its Christmas…take a chocolate”

The second time round, I provided a reason why I was handing out the chocolate, by adding: “It’s Christmas!” to my opening line.

This idea comes from the work of social psychologists Langer, Chanowitz, and Blank, who found that they could easily cut the line of a busy Xerox machine when they added a reason for doing so. Even if the reason was senseless to the people in the queue: “May I cut ahead? It’s Thursday!”

Giving a reason for your behaviour makes people more compliant to your requests. However, with little emotional energy thrown in the mix, my approach still came across a little menacing, albeit much more successful than before: this time people took chocolates!

Experiment 3:

“Its chocolate…take a Christmas!?”

On the third attempt, I added some warms emotions to my request to take a chocolate. In other words, I walked up to each person with an upbeat vibe and a smile on my face. This ensured that the words coming out my mouth sounded more cheerful than in my previous attempts.

The result was significant: this time everybody took a chocolate, and more importantly, they were happy to do so!

Spurred on by my success, I wondered what would happen if I delivered my opening line in the wrong order! Hence, I changed my the phrase to: “It’s chocolate…take a Christmas!”. Pure gobbledegook! And you know what? It made no difference, people were still influenced to take a chocolate… and (probably) didn’t think I was mad!

Conclusion

Having a genuine reason to talk to people is important as it has a significant effect on how receptive they will be to you. However, your emotional expression makes an even bigger difference to how warmly you will be received in conversation; and ultimately, how influential you will be.

What is it about some people that makes everyone take notice when they walk into a room? The chances are that they radiate an aura of presence.

Presence is the ability to gain respectful attention and is the first step of making a great first impression. If you have ever felt that you are hiding your true self from the world, or have  wondered: “how do I get people to notice me?” then having presence is the answer to your frustrations.

In this video, you’ll learn how to make a strong personal impact on people and get all their eyes on you; so that you can command the attention of a room. The magical type of stage presence that skilled actors use to captivate an audience can just as readily be used to create magic off-stage too!

Charisma Coach USA: Introducing Jonny Dupré

On a recent trip to Mexico, I had the good fortune to meet a fellow expert in the field charisma, social dynamics and high impact communication skills: Jonny Dupré.

Jonny is a charisma coach based in San Diego and an absolute fount of knowledge when it comes to learning how to be charismatic. He and I immediately hit it off (after all, putting two charisma coaches together in the same room is like mixing cigarettes with C-4)! As we talked, we realised that we had a lot of original ideas to share about developing charisma and transforming your social skills.

I took the opportunity to quiz Jonny about one area close to his heart: the ability to create massive presence when you walk into a room.

Interview Transcript: Using Presence to Steal the Limelight

Below is a transcript of a short interview we filmed on the topic of creating presence and being the centre of attention:

Marcus: Welcome to the next episode of Your Charisma Coach. It’s finally here! Now it gives me great pleasure today to be interviewing an expert on presence, Jonny Dupré .

Jonny: Pleasure, Marcus.

Marcus: Pleasure is all mine. I had the absolute opportunity or pleasure to meet Jonny on a recent trip to Mexico. He has agreed to talk a little bit about what he does and what gives him the absolute, most massive presence I’ve ever seen of anybody. He walks into a room and people light up. Where to begin with this guy? I mean his voice projects everywhere. We don’t even need a microphone for this interview! His voice just booms out!

We went out to various clubs, to various parties. All eyes on this guy all the time. He has presence by the bucket load. Now I’ve been lucky to meet lots of people who are very successful in their respective fields of social communication. Jonny has the most presence of anyone I’ve ever met. So I thought picking his brains would be too good an opportunity to miss. Let’s find out what makes him amazing.

Jonny: Thanks, Marcus.

Marcus: Yes. Pleasure to meet you, Jonny. So what is presence?

Jonny: What is presence? For me literally is the ability to be so present in a situation. Not everybody else is present with you.

Marcus: Okay. So like present in your own self?

Jonny: Yes, and on the same point in time, it’s presenting of your self as a present individual within whatever situation that you’re in.

Marcus: Okay. Is that something you’ve always had or is that still – you had to develop and learn?

Jonny: Absolutely something I had to build. Absolutely something I had to build. As a kid, I went to a private school and so I didn’t really have a whole lot of opportunities to build social skills at a young age. I just really spent most of my time focusing on building intelligence.

Marcus: Okay…

Jonny: So when I had the opportunity to go into elementary school, a public school, all of a sudden, you know, you start meeting new people, new different groups, cliques. Popularity becomes more important. Social situations change and shift pretty quickly. So, I sort of ran smack face first into the ‘Mack Truck’  of needing presence.

Marcus: A lot of people, I’ve found when I’ve worked with them, have been in the situation (and I definitely I have too) where you’re in a bar maybe and you’re talking to like a couple of your friends and they’ll be like in the conversation [back and forth]: ‘chat-chat-chat-chat…’

Jonny: Yes.

Marcus: And you’re always playing sort of tennis. You’re at Wimbledon looking for the ball and you can’t get into the conversation and that’s – I mean that’s the perfect moment when having presence really helps. Is that something that you’ve had to deal with? And is there a technique we can use to smash into those social situations?

Jonny: Absolutely, absolutely. Of course. In most social situations, you’re going to be dealing with a lot of different factors especially a place like a night club or out in the – you know, Starbucks or something like that where there are people constantly being around us, the sounds in the room of the coffee being made and people yelling and some people talking on their phones and all the rest of that. For me, the biggest and most important thing that I have to learn to develop quickly was your voice. You absolutely have to present yourself through vocal tone the same way people perceive you.

Marcus: So your voice fills a room. You know, I think I talk loud but it’s like I think my voice sounds like a fly in the wind compared to you. So what do you do… or is there anything we can do to get that booming sound?

Jonny: Absolutely. There’s a lot you can do for specifically vocal tone and inflection. Number one, try speaking in a place that has a lot of sound around and just continuing to elevate your volume, literally just volume and you need to elevate it while not appearing to try harder.

Marcus: Right. What would a try-hard do?

Jonny: [Shouts and leans forward] Hey, Marcus! Come over here, man! It’s try-hard. You’re like screaming almost.

Marcus: Okay, Okay.

Jonny: As opposed to still projecting with volume even at this level while looking almost completely relaxed.

Marcus: So a bit more laid back?

Jonny: Yes, absolutely.

Marcus: So at breakfast this morning when I went, “Hey Jonny, how are you doing?” and you just walked past rand blanked me. That was why huh?

Jonny: Absolutely…. not!

Marcus: So is there any way you can test your projection in that way? I mean is there – do you have any little ideas, say go to a coffee shop maybe and try to get somebody’s attention from the back of the room. Would that work?

Jonny: Absolutely! And of course there’s the social situations we were talking about before. If you’re out in the night club, try increasing your distance from the group [you talk to]. So if the group has got three or four people in it, you’ll notice this sort of natural circle they’re creating or natural area they take up. I will take two steps back and see if I can still get them to perfectly and clear hear me.

Marcus: That’s a good little experiment to try.

Jonny: Yes.

Marcus: Yes. Okay fun times! All right. So how long does it take you to get proficient in presence? And what I mean by that is, you know, I think we all go through a learning curve to get a skill; and spend a few more months, maybe even years, refining that skill. But that initial curve [to improve presence], how long was that for you?

Jonny: That initial curve for me? Well, you know, it’s really interesting. I’ll take two seconds to talk about this right now.

Marcus: Okay.

Jonny: The difference between having someone there with you as a sort of sounding board [to practice with], takes this curve and [increases the speed you'll accelerate through it] by a monumental amount. So having your charisma coach being there with you gives you the opportunity to not only have the sounding board of the people that happen to be there (the bystanders in these situations). but also have somebody to practice with who knows and understands your intention so that they can actually help you.

[A coach is like] your sounding board who understands your intention for what you’re doing can help increase this monumentally. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have somebody like that there to watch [what mistakes I was making]. So it was literally just ‘guess-and-check’ in approach. My process for improving my presence probably took much longer than it should have done.

Marcus: So you had like a methodical approach in the end for boosting your presence.

Jonny: Yes, I have a methodical approach to it. One thing at a time. I would just practice just one thing at a time so I would go into a club the entire night. I would spend that time focused just on [improving] my voice.

Marcus: So here’s a quick question then….

Jonny: Yes?

Marcus: Marlon Brando has a very introverted presence. Well, he did before he became a skeleton.

Jonny: [Laughs] Yes!

Marcus: Then you have someone like – in the UK, we have comedian called Russell Brand.

Jonny: Yes, I know Russell.

Marcus: Yeah, he’s doing quite well, he’s based in America now.

Jonny: Yes.

Marcus: But he has got a very extroverted presence.

Jonny: Yes.

Marcus: And you got these differences (ie. introverted and extroverted presence -types) So what controls that difference? How can someone have a quiet presence and not necessarily have to be the life and should of the party but still draw people on themselves; as opposed to somebody who [exudes much more energy].

Jonny: That is an interesting question. For me, it’s about energy. It’s about intensity.

Marcus: Emotional energy?

Jonny: Emotional energy specifically. So, if I’m in the club and I’m wanting to be quiet and reserved and more introverted, I’m going to be projecting the same voice tone through my eyes.

Marcus: Okay. Right.

Jonny: So it’s as if I’m still trying to impact the group without having to speak.

Marcus: So you form like a strong mental intention [which affects your body language and character]?

Jonny: Absolutely.

Marcus: Fantastic. Jonny, well we’re going to end it there… but not the friendship hopefully.

Jonny: Of course not, of course not.

Marcus: Yes, that’d be rubbish wouldn’t it!

Jonny: Okay. If we’re going to stay friends, you probably should take that [hands over roll of dollar bills].

Marcus: [Mock puzzlement ] This roll of money isn’t as thick as the one I gave you?

Jonny: [Laughs] Yes, I know. It’s weird how that happens.

Marcus: So, I know you’re in the process of developing your website at the moment.

Jonny: I am.

Marcus: And I’m hoping you’re going to come back to YourCharismaCoach.com and share a few more pearls of wisdom. So hopefully everyone watching can keep track of what you do because Jonny is going to be – you know, I think he’s still deciding exactly what he’s going to be doing but your knowledge on the social dynamics of creating social empowerment and building people’s social skills is, I mean, second to none. You’re absolutely fantastic.

Jonny: Thank you very much.

Marcus: So it’s an absolute pleasure. You can stay in touch with what Jonny is up to. I’ll add a link to the bottom of the text below this video shortly but in the meantime, many thanks, Jonny Dupré .

Jonny: Marcus, a pleasure.

Marcus: Thank you so much.

Jonny: Thank you.

Marcus: See you shortly in the next episode of your your charisma coach!

Final Thoughts

Improving your presence is key getting noticed in a great way, no matter if you’re on a stage (or in a coffee shop). It’s easy to feel that the best way to avoid criticism is to avoid being noticed at all. Unfortunately, this type of thinking has does even more harm in the longterm and often makes us feel invisible in social situations as we try and keep a low profile.

This interview will hopefully give you some ideas on how to maximise your moment in the limelight and enjoy that feeling of taking centre stage. All it comes down to how and here you direct your emotional energy and practising this aspect of your social skills was the key message embodied by Jonny. I’m certain that you haven’t seen or heard the last of him..!

Are You a Lucky Devil?

Some people seem more lucky than others: getting the breaks and wangling those amazing opportunities that allow them to prosper in life. Most rags-to-riches business people will tell you that their success came from a lot of hard work and a little bit of good luck.

Whilst hard work can be created with time and effort, luck seems a bit more elusive. In this video, I wanted to see how simple it would be to manufacture luck. After all, it seems to be a tipping point in most stories of success; and in my opinion, too crucial to chance to divine intervention.

Human Networks Are Powerful

Reaching out to people is a great way to harness your ever-developing social skills and transform your life by building genuine relationships with them. After all, it never ever hurts to know somebody who can pull the odd string or two to help you out; whether thats a business contact who can kick-start your career, or a colleague who’ll play matchmaker and refresh your dwindling dating life.

The Formula for Luck

The Roman philosopher Seneca strongly believed that: ‘Luck was what happened when preparation met with opportunity’. With this insight he highlighted two huge factors that fortunate people benefit from:

Step 1: Preparation

Who is that person sitting next to you in the hotel lobby? Or in front of you in the line for the toilet? When the random opportunity to meet a great person lands on your plate you’ll want to be sure you have the skills to take ACTION and speak to them. Some conversationalists are more skilled than others, so if you’re yet to master the gift of the gab you’ll probably just need a little practice to tighten up your skill set. Refine your conversation skills by talking to people everywhere. Start small and strike up conversations with people in shops: they’re usually very receptive.

Step 2: Opportunity

When you talk to people you’ll find that favourable circumstances present themselves to us more than you realise. For example, last week I was invited to a party. Feeling tired, I initially decided to pass on the opportunity. Remembering that more opportunity would be created if I went, I dragged myself to the venue and met my friends. The club was very loud and noisy (the type that make your head hurt) so I headed to a quiet area. Whilst there, I met a guy who also escaping from the noise. He turned out to be a movie director from Toronto! The secret to luck is siezing opportunity.

Say ‘YES’ More

In 2005, Danny Wallace wrote the book ‘Yes Man’, a diary that detailed his commitment to constantly welcome opportunity into his life. Wallace’s premise was simple: say ‘yes’ where once you would have said ‘no’. Making this decision positively transformed his life (to the point where Hollywood was impressed enough to put Jim Carrey in a movie about it!) Inspired, I decided to say YES more and document the result on video.

The First Yes…

I was contacted through my website by a student who asked me to give a business lecture at his university. I said Yes and agreed to the request. When the day came it took effort, hard work and a long night of planning to prepare for the talk.

The Second Yes…

After the lecture, several of the students invited me to the local bar for a drink. I was very tired as I had stayed awake the previous night planning my speech. I said Yes and agreed to the request. In doing so, I met and made many new friends and sunk a lot of beer.

The Third Yes…

A few months later, several of my friends at the university invited me to an event they were holding. They had arranged for Charles Dunstone, the co-founder of the UK telecommunications company Carphone Warehouse to give a speech. (According to Forbes, his net worth is about $1.6 Billion). I said Yes and agreed to the request. I turned up to the event and was lead to the front row of a huge auditorium. My friends promptly sat me next to the principal of the unviersity. Whils he was on stage I was able to ask Charles Dunstone a question I was curious about.

The Fourth Yes…

After Charles Dunstone left the stage, one of my friends asked me to join them for a drink again. I said Yes and agreed to the request. We chatted in the bar and enjoyed a beer. Woo should walk in but Charles Dunstone! I seized the opportunity and struck up a conversation with him: I was able to pick his billionaire brains about a few ideas and got to know him better. Most people would call that kind of networking opportunity good luck…really it was a product of saying yes.

Build a ‘Yes’ Chain!

Saying the odd yes here and there won’t do. That’s what everybody does. The power of yes truly reveals itself once you begin to build a chain of yeses. My story truly began in the middle of one such chain: it actually started back when somebody said I should build a website. If I hadn’t agreed to that suggestion then I would never have got the email that led to the opportunity to document the story you saw in the video!

Saying yes the first few times takes effort because you are relinquishing control. However, each Yes in the chain becomes easier. Agreeing to give a talk took time and effort. Joining a celebrity billionaire for a drink was a lot easier. A chain of agreements almost always leads to a profitable situation.

Conclusion

Say ‘Yes’ more… no matter how much that spoils your life. It’s only then you can fully appreciate the power of saying No…

You can make new friends anywhere… even if you’re by yourself in an unfamiliar place, like a new city. Chatting with people to make more friends is fun and a great way to build your social circle, so having the ability to approach a group and meet lots of new people is a powerful social skill to develop.

However, if you find the idea of chatting to groups of people by yourself a little daunting, then don’t worry -it’s quite natural to feel a little nervous: this is an advanced skill.

Approaching a group can feel like you’re walking into a lion’s den at times: as soon as you open your mouth you’re under pressure to make a great impression with the entire audience who are now looking at you… otherwise you risk coming across as an intrusion to their free time.

It’s for this reason that most people never even try to approach a group of strangers; only starting conversations with people who are also out by themselves. This really limits their options for connecting with people, making more friends easily and revamping their social life. This is behaviour that some people can do fairly well at a party, with a few drinks inside them. Doing it smoothy, whilst sober, in the daytime is a different prospect.

Understanding Group Dynamics Theory

Happily, I’m going to share some tips with you that’ll ensure those first few moments of approaching a group of strangers passes easily. That way, you can focus on making more friends, rather than collecting a sea of icy stares and cold shoulders.

For the most part, it’s easier to approach a group of people who are in a bar, pub or club. After all, the people in a venue like this huddled under the same roof for the same reason: to have fun!

Being chatty and meeting new people goes with the territory. Hence, if you squash enough people together into one space (indoors or outdoors), it’s almost certain that the groups will begin to mix and people will talk to one another… the group dynamics exist simply because everybody is standing so close together!

However, for this video, I wanted to practice talking to groups of people who were not squeezed close together as you would find in a typical social environment, such as on a popular beach. In other words, talking to groups who were busy amongst themselves and isolated from neighbouring communities of people.

(Hey, I like to make life difficult for myself!)

In my opinion, attempting to approach and befriend a group of people who are sitting on their own, in an empty park, is one of the more difficult scenarios you will encounter on your journey to improve your social skills.

After all, you don’t know why they are there, or whether they are receptive to a random person like you infiltrating their private gathering. Worse still, they can see you for a good while as you walk up to them, which affects your ability to operate smoothly!

Time for a Few Social Experiments

Following a few days of wet weather, the London park I visited was almost absent of people sitting on the rain-soaked grass. It was perfect training ground to test a few ideas out! In the video, we’ll look at how to approach and befriend a group of people. You’ll learn how to approach a group of girls; and how to apporached a mixed group of people.

Approach #1

I walked up to the group and hung around near them for a while. I was curious to see if this would help acquaint themselves with my presence. It didn’t. Nobody spoke to me so I asked a question to start the ball rolling. Two members of the group kindly answered my
question and I was left with nothing to do but leave.

Lesson Learned: Take responsibility for beginning the conversation and don’t use a question that can be answered with one word to start the conversation: after it has been answered you have nothing left to talk about and no reason for being near them (unless you fight for conversation, which would be awkward).

Approach #2

This time, I decided to take the initiative and start conversation by asking an open ended question to the group, about the badminton game a few of them were playing (just out of shot in the video). The idea was that this would hint that I might also be up for a game. The group answered my question but didn’t really expand on their reply, or get the subtle hint, so I was left in a situation where I had to leave… or linger around in an awkward fashion that the British do so well. I left!

Lesson Learned: Bring something of value to the group. Asking a question takes away their time from each other and is distracting, unless you can feed more conversation off of it. Walking up to a group with something interesting or fascinating in tow will make them more receptive to you.

Approach #3

This time I walked up to the group with a gimmick: a pop-up frisbee that I wanted to test out. Ever wondered how to approach a group of girls outdoors? Take a game with you! The promise of fun got one of the girls to join in the game and her friends enjoyed the source of amusement (and me looking moronic).

Consequently, this group were more engaged with me, but now I had a new hurdle. I didn’t take responsibility to sit down and join them! Instead, I waited to be asked, which we already know doesn’t work. Overall, a fun interaction but not one where I really got to connect with anybody new.

Lesson Learned: Ask for permission to join the group once you have engaged them on an emotional level: “Do you mind if I join you?” works well.

Approach #4

I approached the group and got their attention as early as possible. I asked if they were friendly (they were) and proceeded to ask them a straightforward question. We chatted light-heartedly and then I asked to join them. They agreed and I met some very cool people as a result!

Lesson Learned: Be cheerful and in a good mood. As soon as the group smile, ask to join them and proceed to sit down (NB. next time, I will remind myself of a cool event I can invite them out to at the end of our chat.)

So there you have it: a simple strategy for meeting and connecting with groups of people in public spaces!

Exclusive BONUS Video: A Simple Technique to Create a Massive Connection with People

Sometimes you can unexpectedly hit it off when talking to new people. You’ll know that awesome moment: it’s when you instantly feel like you’re talking to a friend and and the conversation blasts wide open.

It’s a great feeling when it happens but is there a tried-and-tested technique that will allow you to connect with people on a deep emotion level every time? I decided to make another exclusive video, revealing a technique I DISCOVERED that will help you ‘click’ with every person you meet!

You can only see the Bonus Video on my Facebook Page (to find it, scroll down the wall to October 2011). Keep up to date with more exclusive videos like this one by clicking “LIKE” on my Facebook page once you get there!

Life is no fun when you have no friends! Today we’re going to look at how to make more friends… from scratch.

I figured a typical bench in a park at lunchtime would be a good place to begin for this short tutorial, since this kind of setting is common wherever you are in the world: all you need is a seat and some sunshine!

Starting a Conversation

To strike up a new conversation smoothly, you’ll want to look for remarks that you can fire off without any rehearsal. Spontaneous observations that are delivered ‘off-the-cuff’allow you to express yourself in an authentic manner; but there is a knack to it.

I prefer to start conversations with remarks that make me laugh just as readily as the people I am talking to!

Here’s a good habit to get into: be aware of your surrounding envronment at all times. As you walk around let your attention drift upon things that quietly make you smile; whether that’s a dog chasing a pushbike, or a mischevious kid throwing a frisbee at his Dad’s head! If it makes you grin, it’s gold!

Doing this will really develop your initial conversation skills quickly, which is key if you want to make more friends easily.

As I approached the two seated girls, I noticed that they had both (for some unexplained reason) removed their shoes and tucked them under the bench! I was bemused by this quirky fact and the first thing that popped into my mind was the goofy idea:

‘I’m going to steal your shoes!’

Now, this might not have been the most perfect line in the world but just the thought of sharing that silly idea made me smile, so it was perfect. After all, I was already starting the conversation from with a ‘Win/Win’ mindset: it’s either going to turn out well/ or make me laugh.

(NB. You can read more about the win/win mindset in Chapter 5 of my free ebook. Stick your details on the sign up form on the right to get it now!)

The spontaneous icebreaker I used happily made both of the girls laugh, which was great. However, most importantly, my joke made ME laugh too, so I knew I was going to have fun!

Already the conversation was charged with some happy emotions, which makes everything else to come that little bit more easy.

Keeping the Conversation Going

When you strike up a conversation with a witty observation, it’s easy to let the giggles fade into silence (and most people leave at that point). For the conversation to continue, you have to be different and keep the dialogue going: this often takes focused effort on your part, so be ready for it!

You have to take full responsibilty for the conversation as soon as you begin speaking, hence it’s best to continue enjoying the topic of conversation -no matter how anyone else chooses to react to it! To keep the conversation going, it’s vital that you take it upon yourself to keep your mouth moving as much as possible to begin with.

In the video, this happens the moment I ditch the joke and ask:

“Where are you from?”

Not the most exciting question to ask a stranger but I am showing an interest in them. At this point, I choose to listen carefully to their short answers and make reasonably long statments about what they say. Doing this helps the conversation along by introducing new topics to talk about and provides yet a further reason to stay in the conversation.

The situation is not uncommon: they are sitting and I am standing. This could just as easily be happening at a table in a bar or on a sun lounger by a swimming pool. It may seem common sense to sit down with them and join them on the bench straight away, but why rush?

The longer your conversation continues, the more comfortable the people you speak to will feel. I chose to sit down when they started asking me questions about my life, which showed that they were curious about me too: hence, sitting down at this point feels like a natural progression in the conversation.

(And it should do!)

Building Rapport

I believe a pivotal point in any conversation is when you establish first name terms with the people you talk to. Some conversations with strangers can last hours with out this formality passing. However, when people are spread out (such as in a park, or even a quiet airport terminal) I have found that learning a person’s name will acclerate rapport in the early stages of conversation.

From this point the conversation flows pleasantly as we share stories about what we’ve been up to and where we are going during the rest of our day and life in general.

Once we have reached an invisble point where we all have around five cool facts we can share with each other we have established a strong sense of rapport. From here all that is needed is to remain talking comfortably, suggest doing another activity (frisbee?), or take their details and meet them another time, which is what I demonstrate here.

Having great conversation skills is about making everyone feel comfortable as quickly as possible. When you make people feel comfortable you make more friends easily. You don’t need the charisma of Bill Clinton to pull this off, just patience and a gentle persistence with the discussion at hand.

However, what should you do when your conversation doesn’t go to plan? See below for more tips!

Exclusive BONUS Video: How to Talk to Difficult People

It’s never easy talking to difficult people! During recent filming I encountered another two women on sitting on park bench: one seemed warm, whilst the other was very aloof. I decided to make an exclusive video, revealing what I DISCOVERED when how I persisted with the conversation and maintained a positive attitude!

You can only see the video on how to talk to difficult people on my Facebook Page (to find it, scroll down the wall to August 2011). Keep up to date with more exclusive videos like this one by clicking “LIKE” on my Facebook page once you get there!

When creating an aura of charisma, you need bucket loads of presence.

Today, I’m going to reveal one big secret that gave President Clinton the ability to effortlessly draw people into his world; and salesman Jim Eastwood (from BBC One’s ’The Apprentice’) the means to persuade others… with an almost hypnotic power. Indeed, Eastwood’s Irish charm was so evident that the UK media dubbed him ‘Jedi’ Jim Eastwood!

- So what makes Bill Clinton and Jim Eastwood so capable of exuding presence?

Well, according to Michael Ellsberg, author of ‘The Power of Eye Contact’ it all has to do with the number of behaviours a person employs when communicating their message to others. Ellsberg uses the jargon term ‘modalities’, which refers to simple gestures that you can use when talking to someone.

For example, winking when you talk to someone adds extra weight to your message, as does touching them. However, combining both behaviours has a synergistic effect that makes you stand out. It seems this is a key factor on how to stage presence.

Here’s a helpful list of modalities:

• Smiling & eye contact
• Raising your voice
• Facing somebody
• Winking
• Touching them
• Raising an eyebrow
• Pointing

Ellsberg noted (originally on Tim Ferris’ excellent blog) that Clinton employs a simultaneous mixture of ‘eye contact, smiling, touch and rasing his voice’ to communicate a powerful message to his listener.

Without a doubt, Clinton’s eye contact is so powerful that Chuck Close, his portrait artist, remarked: “When he looks directly into youreyes, he has an almost laser-beam-like-lock-on thing that he does. He makes you feel like he’s really connected to you”

With that in mind, I was curious to know what was the optimal number of modalities to use at any one time if you wanted to radiate the aura of Clinton, or the Irish charm of Jedi Jim Eastwood.

I took to the streets of London and carried out five experiments to demonstrate how to stage presence.

The goal was to break the ice, using an increasing number of modalities:

• Experiment 1: Using touch
• Experiment 2: Raising my voice whilst facing them
• Experiment 3: Smiling with eye contact; and raising my voice whilst facing them
• Experiment 4: Smiling with eye contact;  touch, raising my voice & facing them
• Experiment 5: Using as many behaviours as possible (frankly, being a mad person!)

It seemed using that 3-4 modalities created the strongest presence, which wasn’t too overbearing for the listener. However, using less, or more, gestures came across awkward and uncalibrated in most cases. This results mirrors the behaviours of both Clinton and Eastwood and seems to be the strongest way of staging presence.

EXCLUSIVE BONUS VIDEO: JIM EASTWOOD!

I was suitably impressed and intrigued with Jim Eastwood’s communication skills that I made an exclusive video revealing the secret of Jim Eastwood’s Irish Charm! You can only see it on my Facebook Page (to find it, scroll down the wall to July 2011). Stay up to date with more exclusive videos like this one by clicking “LIKE” once you get there!

In Part 3, and the final entry of my mini series on ‘Boosting Self Esteem’, I’m going to share with you more hands-on tips that you can use to make yourself feel great. (NB. You can watch ‘Part 1′ here, and ‘Part 2′ here)

But let’s recap: Why is self-esteem so important?

When you have a really great level of self-esteem you’ll find starting conversations with people and being the life and soul of the party much more enjoyable and natural. You’ll also find any feelings of social anxiety you once had soon vanish, and that you radiate a sense of confidence and certainty with everything you do.

In this video we cover 5 more incredible ways of boosting self esteem quickly. These are:

• Being Grateful
• Taking Responsibility
• Championing A Cause
• Volunteering Your Time
• Building Stuff

Lets look at these in more detail…

11) Being Grateful

First up, it really helps to think about the things that you really appreciate in life. Why? Because thinking about these things instantly makes you feel better about yourself. I find that one of the best ways to do this is to grab a pen and paper and make a list (or if you have 5 months, making a video!).

When you’re doing this, try not to sensor yourself at all; there are bound to be some weird or random things you think of. But whenever you’re feeling down, remember that you can look back to this list and remind yourself of all the things you truly love about life.

12) Taking Responsibility

It’s time for us to take back responsibility. In this day and age we are rarely ever made to feel responsible for our actions, and I think this is one of the biggest things holding us back from feeling great about ourselves. Taking responsibility for ourselves, our environment, and the people around us is a crucial part of building our self-esteem and empowering ourselves.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

So find some things you can improve in your environment or for those around you, and make a conscious effort to follow through on doing so.

13) Champion A Cause

I encourage you to find something you believe in and to do something to help stand up for it.

Why is this so great for building your self-esteem? Because whenever you choose to fight for a cause, you are inevitably going to come up against people who disagree with you. Whilst this might sound like a bad thing, it’s not as it gives you the opportunity to express your opinions and win people around to your own way of thinking.

You’re also likely to meet new like-minded people who you will have an instant connection with – which is evidently another great way of boosting self-esteem!

14) Volunteer Your Time

Time is the most valuable asset we possess, and so when we choose to help causes we are passionate about, it’s certain we are going to feel great about ourselves.

Not only is doing this another great way to meet like-minded people to become friends with, but by doing so, you are going to give yourself access to a whole new world of possibility and opportunity. In the video you saw the type of work I like to get involved with, and by doing this for projects you really care about, you are always go away feeling that you made a bit of a difference.

15) Build Stuff

Building things allows you to take control of your reality and leave your mark on the world.

We all need an outlet for our creativity and this is one of the best ways I know of. As I really want to leave a legacy of what I’m doing, I personally choose to dedicate a lot of my time towards developing my online coaching business. Most of what I’m building is online. but even though it might intangible, I still get the same sense of satisfaction from creating something.

So find a project to really throw yourself into, and even though it might seem like a lot of extra work, it really is going to be worth it in the long run.

Here are the 5 bullet points recapping everything we’ve covered:

• Be Grateful For The Things You Love In Life
• Take Responsibility For Your Actions
• Champion A Cause You’re Passionate About
• Volunteer Your Time For A Great Cause
• Build Stuff Or Start A New Project

I really hope these three videos (NB. Don’t forget to check out ‘Part 1′ here, and ‘Part 2′ here) can serve as a guide for you in boosting your self-esteem. Remember: action is everything, and so be sure go away and put these steps into practice.

I hope you enjoyed the video, and I look forward to seeing you again for the next episode of Your Charisma Coach!

In Part 2 of my series on ‘Boosting Self Esteem’, I’m going to share with you more practical tips that you can use to make yourself feel great and remove the pressure of social anxiety. A high self esteem is fundamental in improving your success when dealing with people because it goes a long way to freeing you from any concern about being judged by others.

(NB. You can watch ‘Part 1′ here and ‘Part 3′ here)

If you’re suffering from social anxiety, one thing that you can do to is to learn how to love yourself. By this I simply mean giving yourself a mindset that’s worthy of being charismatic, charming and fun. This isn’t something that I’ve always had, it’s something that I had to build up and develop. This is part two in the series of boosting your self esteem where I cover 5 more self esteem building exercises to make you feel good about yourself.

So without further a do, here’s a break down of the video!

• Steps #6-#10 To Boost Self Esteem
• Honesty
• Friendship
• Being a Leader
• Learning a New Skill
• Performing Kind Acts

Before diving into the points I just talked about, something I briefly want to mention that wasn’t in the video is self-concept and self esteem. The self concept is how we think about and evaluate ourselves. Most of us have a very hazy image of ourselves and it’s because we rarely take the time to really be introspective and decide things for ourselves. Ask yourself what you have to be grateful for and it will build your self-concept and self esteem

6) Being Honest

Being honest doesn’t mean that you have to share all your secrets! The trick is to act congruently with your thoughts so that you can create integrity for yourself. Honesty leads to consistency in your actions, which in turn builds self respect & value.

Being honest is really a way of freeing yourself from feelings of guilt, but sometimes you can be too honest, which leads to hurting other people’s feelings. It’s all about finding the right balance.

So sometimes it’s okay to let things go. But when you’re feeling bad for keeping something a secret, then you know it’s something that you have to get off your chest.

Remember the golden rule: “treat others as you would want them to treat you.”

7) Meet Friends

The next thing you can do to boost self esteem, and really begin to love yourself is to connect with friends. All of my happiest times that I can think of have come when I’ve been hanging out with friends, and we’re all just enjoying ourselves.

So connect with your old mates; go through your phone book and find somebody you haven’t spoken to in a while, call them up and have a chat with them.

8 ) Lead People

When you make requests from people and they fulfill them, what you’re doing is creating reference points in your mind where you see that other people are valuing your decisions as well as demonstrating that they value you as a person.

So at any opportunity where you get to be the decision maker, make the decision. If you’re out with your friends at a social setting, make the decision about what you’re going to do. When are you going to go to the bar? What place are you going to be going to afterwards?

If you’re leadership skills aren’t too great, start by making small requests of your peers. Just be the person who makes decisions. So when you lead, you feel good because people are valuing what you have to say.

Public speaking is a great avenue for this because those people are listening to you and being an audience to you, and that is what makes you feel good yourself.

9) Learn a Skill

If you learn a skill or develop a talent, it gives you a sense of achievement, much like accomplishing a little goal. Learning an instrument is a great example of this as it’s seriously rewarding since it’s quick and easy to see improvements.

A great way to get started with a new skill is to check your local college for evening classes. You’re bound to find a short course on something that gives you a fast return on talent!

10) Perform Kind Acts

Probably the thing that makes the biggest to boost self esteem, (and gets the quickest results!) is to do nice things for people. That means you give people time to make their day. Do something selfless, whatever it is, and it’ll make you feel great.

So whenever you have the opportunity to perform a random act of kindness or a good deed, the reward is in doing the deed itself, so you’ll actually feel good yourself!

By doing this, I can always think back to times I’ve done random acts of kindness and get back to a state of feeling great. When I do good things for other people, even if some people don’t like me, it doesn’t matter to me because I know that I’m a good person, and I’ve got all that evidence in my life to prove it!

Spreading kindness makes you feel great instantaneously!

I really hope this helps. Do a few of these things I’ve mentioned in this video and it’ll boost your self-esteem in no time!

See you soon

Marcus

Welcome to the seventh episode of Your Charisma Coach! It’s finally here!

And today I want to celebrate that by talking about something very important, Part 1 in a three-part series on how to develop and boost self esteem! NB. You can watch ‘Part 2′ here and ‘Part 3′ here!

Dealing with low self esteem can be tough. Without esteem it’s hard to have fun and enjoyable conversations; and it’s almost impossible to accomplish anything and unless you know effective ways of boosting your self esteem. Hence, the aim of this video is to offer some great tips and, if need be, serve as a compass to get you out of any mental ruts you might be in.

Here’s the bottom line: the greater your self-esteem, the more you can free yourself when you interact with people. When anyone has ever told you to just “be yourself” what they really mean is for you to just be the most comfortable person you could possibly be. And funnily enough, the higher our self-esteem, the more we can relax with ourselves.

A lot of people have been dealing with low self esteem for a large part of their life, and they cope by protecting themselves with a sense of pride. Pride is where people create this mask that they wear in order to stop themselves looking silly.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve realised that you don’t have to be like that. You can loose your pride – and the way to do this is by boosting self esteem!

So without further a do here’s a break down of the video…

1) Face Fears

The first thing we need to do in order to boost self-esteem is to face our fears. When you confront fears, you really find out about yourself as a person. One thing I want to stress here is that all fear exists in the future; fear doesn’t exist in the present. If I set you on fire, you would no longer be ‘fearful’. You’d be rolling around on the ground trying to deal with the fact that you’re on fire. The moment you get scared is when you think to yourself, “now what’s going to happen to me?”

So find something that really scares you, and go and do it!

2) Reach Goals

The second thing you can do to boost self esteem is to set yourself goals and hit them. Goals should be both realistic and achievable, and when setting a goal, you should set them high enough so that in order for you to achieve them, you know you’ll have to put in a lot of hard-work and persistence.

In the video you’ll see that one of my big goals was to bench press 100kg. This goal had just been eating at me for ages. And just so you know, I’d failed at this goal six times in the 3 weeks leading up to recording the video!… and guess what, I did it! As as you can tell, I was ecstatic, and it’s only because I’d made it an ambition of mine.

Reaching these kinds of goals really is what will boost your self-esteem.

3) Amuse Yourself

Another thing I like to do is amuse myself. Being playful is something that we neglect as adults – even though it’s fun and enjoyable. Instead of following the usual trend, seek out things in your daily life that will make you laugh and smile.

You might be playing a practical joke on somebody, or staging an inside joke – the important thing is just that it makes you smile. If doing the crazy, wacky stuff seems a bit too much for you, you can start off small just by telling people funny jokes. But remember why you’re doing it: because it makes you smile and not the other person.

4) Develop Vitality

Keep yourself fit. At school I hated doing ‘PE’ and found ‘team sports’ utterly pointless and uninspiring (I even used to get my Mum to write me notes saying I was ill, just so I could bunk off!). But now I love keeping fit and having a sense of vitality because of it.

Admittedly, we all like days where we laze about the house, sleeping in, eating ice cream and watching movies. The trouble is, these lazy days are comfortable and addictive. Also as I’m sure you know, prolonged comfort saps your mental energy and focus.

“Feel fit or feel shit.”

In contrast, when you’re doing something that’s making you sweat a little and gets your endorphins flowing, it makes you feel good and puts you in the mood for talking to people.

Aim to do some fun exercise at least 3 times a week. If you lack motivation or discipline (as I often did), make sure you exercise with a friend as it’ll help a lot. Your diet is also massively important. Eat ‘whole foods’ (foods that are unprocessed and unrefined) as much as possible. Fresh meat, eggs, fish, poultry, vegetables, fruits and nuts are all great examples.

That way, you can eat the odd junk meal guilt free – and you’ll actually enjoy it all the more too!

5) Nurture Wisdom

The final thing to cover in this video is the pursuit of knowledge. Really investigate an pursue anything that interests you. Now it doesn’t really matter what it is, but find more about anything that peaks your curiosity. The reason that you want to do this is because anytime your alone, your mind tends to listen to itself. Our mind is always trying to grow through mental stimulation and the more we read, the more we learn, and the more we learn, the better we feel

For some bizarre reason I was really interested in how to build a pond. So I went away and researched how to build a pond… and now I have one in my back-garden! And it’s worth mentioning, as well as acquiring a new pond, I also have a new hobby: wildlife gardening.

So just read about anything that interests you. If you choose to study what you love, you’ll find the growth of your mind occurs with ease.

-Hopefully I’ve given you some ideas of some positive changes you can make to improve your life. Don’t worry about trying everything at once. Focus on one of the five aspects and you’ll find a bigger change in your life, as opposed to trying to incorporate all five changes at once.

You’ll find that once you build momentum, you’ll start focusing on more than one a week anyway. So in the next five weeks I want you to aim to focus on each of the five things on this list, and you’ll find that you’re self-esteem will be on a whole other level.

As always, I look forward to hearing your comments and feedback

Until next time,

Marcus