How To Be An Extrovert (When You’re A Secret Introvert)

Marcus Oakey November 4, 2014
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One of the common hurdles towards achieving instant charisma is the fear of talking to people. However, having an introverted personality does not mean you can’t successfully speak to strangers.

If you’re having a bad day, feeling tired, or even tied up with work then it’s easy to feel stuck in your head to the point where talking to people feels off your radar.

In this episode, myself and Jonny Dupre tackle how to get talkative and approach people, even if you’re feeling introverted, tired, or mentally trapped.

Emotions drive our behaviours. That’s why on a Friday night when people are partying, they are programming themselves to be more sociable. Conversely, when you’re stressing out over deadlines, you really don’t want to face small talk.

Humans are social creatures. We evolved in groups and survived through community structures. So really all we need to do as individuals is harness our instinctive social talents for modern life.

So let’s focus on how to harness your natural power to connect with others.

How To Speed Your Brain From 0-60MPH In Conversation!

It is within your capabilities to go from an introverted headspace to engaging others with ease. However, the trick as always is knowing how to fight your way out of silence.

Fear not, for Jonny Dupre has the answers. First things first. It is vital to examine your motivations for talking to people. For example, suppose you see an attractive girl you’d like to get to know better; ask yourself:

  • Why do I want to talk to her?
  • What do I actually want to get out of this?
  • What do I have to do to start the conversations?

Keep these answers honest and simple. You might want to talk to her because she’s hot but don’t let her beauty overwhelm you to the point of paralysis.

Just think, “Sure she’s pretty and she might be cool to chat to” and do that. Don’t over think. Just keep it real.

Express your motivations whether you think them, write them down or say them out loud.

Put it into action

Jonny approaches the couple and breaks the ice. From the conversation, we garner that his motivation is one of curiosity. Jonny wants to learn more about London, socialize, and pass the time of day.

He engages the couple by greeting and asking a straightforward question, “Hi, what’s going on here?”

This works to hook their attention. They respond and in doing so, begin to invest in the conversation.

As Jonny continues, the couple’s body language changes and their posture opens up as they turn to face him. They have created a trio, rather than a couple and one stranger. Watch out for body language unlocking in this way, as it usually indicates a growing sense of trust.

The Moment Of Transition

A transition is the milestone moment when the recipients take over the majority of speaking from Jonny (the stranger). When this occurs, you know that the third party has invested in the conversation and you can ease off the gas a little as everybody starts to share responsibility for keeping the conversation going. The great thing is that this magic moment can be pulled off in a mere 90 seconds (or less)!

Look for moments when the other party starts asking YOU questions to prolong the interaction. This means you’re doing great! You can also use specific questions to direct conversation and allow them to invest in a new topic. For example, asking about the local sights.

Finally, remember to let your motivation guide you to positive intentions and strive to leave people better than you found them: it’ll leave you better off too!

Further Reading

“Quiet, The Secret Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain

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